~Side: Koma~
“—- But, you see. I’m happy, however… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Kanakana… I can’t go out… with Kanakana…”
Today is also a day of destiny for me, as my Nee-sama is replying to Kanai-sama’s confession, who confessed her love to my beloved Nee-sama.
For the past week, I have been wondering ‘what kind of reply will my Nee-sama give to Kanai-sama?’ and ‘what will happen to me if my Nee-sama accepts Kanakana’s confession?’—– I was scared, anxious, bitter and distressed… I couldn’t sleep well at night… When I heard Nee-sama’s reply, a week’s worth of gloomy tension was suddenly lifted from me and I almost jumped for joy on the spot….
“—-I don’t deserve to have someone like me….”
The unexpected comment from my Nee-sama, which followed the statement ‘I can’t go out with you’, made me immediately unable to express my feelings.
“(RIght to be liked…? Right…? What? What is my Nee-sama…? What do you mean, my Nee-sama…?”
Even though they are the words from my twin older sister… I have been with her since she was born, but I cannot quite understand what she is saying now.
“… Wait, please wait a moment, Mako… I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand what you’re saying.”
As if to speak for my very confused feelings, Kanai-sama changed from her sad smile and asked Mako-nee-sama with a serious expression on her face.
I too… I want to know, Nee-sama. Please tell me… The true meaning of Nee-sama’s words…
~Side: Mako~
I thought and thought it through as best I could, I felt like my head was about to be overflowing while I revealed my feelings for Kanakana, who confessed to me, so I answered, ‘I can’t go out with you’.
Immediately after that reply, she seemed somewhat resigned… Lonely… Still, Kanakana gave me a look of satisfaction that she was satisfied with the situation, but…
“… Wait, please wait a moment, Mako… I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand what you’re saying.”
The moment I mention the reason why we can’t go out, for some reason, Kanakana’s expression suddenly falls apart. Her soft smile vanishes and doubt, confusion… and a bit of an angry expression shows on Kanakana towards me.
“‘I’m not qualified to have someone like me’, you say? What qualifications?… What the hell are you talking about, Mako?”
“Ah… No, that’s…”
“Answer me, Mako. What do you mean by what you said now?”
“… Eetto, Kanakana…”
Kanakana’s eyes when she asks me that… they’re really serious… a bit scary… and I shrink back a little.
… As I thought, I shouldn’t have said that…? But… And if she wanted me to explain why I couldn’t go out with her, I can’t say anything but ‘I’m not qualified’…
“After all, you see… As you know, I’m a hopeless girl in many ways? Kanakana and I aren’t compatible. That’s why, the qualification to be liked—-”
“What are you saying, you great idiot. I’ve said it many times, but I love you despite all of that. I am the one who confessed to you and said, ‘I like Mako’s bad parts too’, and Mako says this and that about qualifications?”
“… No, but…”
“…. You, Mako. I don’t want to guess, but… There is something that’s causing you to resist receiving love from others, isn’t there?”
“…..!?”
I gasp and flinch at her single comment that seems as if she grabs my heart.
“I knew it… It seems I’m spot on from your reaction.”
“Wh, y…?”
“… Your face says why I’m spot on, but isn’t it obvious. I’m Mako’s best friend even if I acknowledge it myself? I can pretty much guess what you’re thinking. Don’t underestimate your best friend, Mako.”
… I feel a slight sense of fear from my best friend, who sees through me so easily. It’s obvious…? Am I just that simple and easy to understand? Or… It’s because Kanakana told me she liked me so that’s why?
… In any case, my mind has been read by Kanakana. Even if I try to deceive her from here, the current Kanakana will soon see through it as a lie.
“I want to hear the situation fully. Why is Mako resistant to receiving love from others? I don’t understand what the reason is, but… But Mako, I knew vaguely that you had been struggling with something for a long time… Maybe it will make you feel better to talk about it, and I might be able to help you. That’s why… Please, Mako. Let me help you.”
In a kind voice, Kanakana urges me to explain to her…. Kanakana is right, talking will probably clear things up. It would be easier if I could reveal what I’m holding on to, and if it’s the kind and reliable Kanakana… I trust that she’ll really help me.
But… but…
“……..”
“… I wonder if there’s a reason you can’t tell me? Is it something you don’t want to tell others no matter what?”
“…..”
… I turn away to avoid Kanakana’s doubtful gaze and just keep my mouth closed. That’s right, I can’t say it. If I continue taking advantage of her goodwill… It could be an unnecessary burden for Kanakana.
And if I give a detailed explanation of it… And in the process, I’d have to talk about the various circumstances of Koma…
That’s why, I can’t tell you. Even if you are my best friend—- No, it’s because we’re best friends I don’t want to burden you…
“…..”
“… You’ll keep being quiet. OK, I got it. In that case, I have an idea.”
I continue staying silent. Seeing me like this, Kanakana let out a small sigh and said something like this.
“… An idea?”
“I’ve been waiting a week for a reply, and I can’t accept an answer that doesn’t make any sense. So, Mako, if you’re going to turn me down… I need you to explain it to me in a way that makes sense.”
“Uu…”
“If this still keeps you silent… I will force you to go out with me. If you don’t like it… Explain it properly to me.”
…. Kanakana hits my vital points with precision. She got me… ‘I’ve waited a week and I don’t want an answer that makes no sense.’, if she says that… I’ve got to give her a proper explanation…
“… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to you in such a threatening, unfair way. But… Mako said such a sad thing like ‘I don’t have the qualifications to be liked’. Mako who said that… I got worried.”
“…. Kanakana.”
“Right? Please, Mako. Try and tell me. All that stuff you’re carrying around in that big chest of yours.”
That one comment from her makes me unable to resist. Aah, it’s useless… I can’t anymore…
“… Kanakana… you won’t tell anybody else?”
“Obviously, I won’t. If Mako doesn’t want me to tell anyone, I will never tell anyone.”
“Whatever I say… You’ll keep quiet about it?”
“… If the woman I love wants me to ‘keep it a secret’, then rest assured, Mako, I will take your secret to my grave.”
“… u,n…. I understand… if Kanakana wants… then… I’ll tell you…”
I completely give in to the forceful persuasion by Kanakana. I decided to start talking about it.
~Mako’s in middle of explaining~
I begin with the story of our parents’ falling out six years ago, the events of that day in June when Koma had a high fever, how they left her alone when she had a fever, and how this caused her to wander between life and death.
Although she miraculously survived, she suffered from a taste disorder that has not been cured to this day, and she is still suffering from the aftereffects of the disorder… Even the top-secret ‘kiss me and Koma’ll be temporarily healed’ peculiar constitution of Koma… I tried to talk to Kanakana carefully and in order about these things.
“—-I understand. I’ve got the gist of it. But… I’m getting more and more confused, Mako.”
Kanakana mutters to me as I finish explaining that much, wrinkling her brow.
“In my opinion, after hearing what Mako has just said… You should be at my max value of love but you’re breaking the limits even further. Protecting Koma-chan from such a young age from your parents, who were rough on her, and providing her with emotional support. And then saving Koma-chan, who was dying… And on top of that, you’ve been desperately trying to cure Koma-chan’s sense of taste she almost lost for six long years.”
“… Well, roughly…”
“I’m honestly impressed. Isn’t it a wonderfully admirable action from a kind Onee-chan towards her little sister. What part of that story did you just tell me that makes you think you ‘don’t deserve to be liked’?”
Kanakana is trying to tell me that she doesn’t really know what’s going on… Hahaha… You’re overestimating me, Kanakana… I’m not so admirable…
“… There’s more, isn’t there? You’ve come to think like that… There’s something conclusive, I think.”
“…. Hnm.”
“Now that you’ve told me this much, tell me the whole story, Mako. What happened to you?”
… I’m being questioned again. Kanakana is right, I can’t back down now that I’ve told her this much. I’m ready… Aunty Meiko and the Dr. Chiyuri and nurse—- And then I start talking about the past, which I never even told to my beloved sister, Koma.
“…. This was the day Koma was safely discharged from hospital and taken to Aunty Meiko’s house…”
“Un.”
“Up until then, me and Koma, you know, we were both in the same room together in our own house… And we were sleeping in bed together.”
“… Hee. I’m jeal—- *Cough*. You two have been so close since then, it makes me smile. Since that time, you’ve both been close and pleasant to each other.”
.
…? I feel like Kanakana’s mouth twitched for an instant for some reason…? Did I imagine it…? Well, whatever. Let’s continue talking.
“At my Aunty’s house, just like at my parents’ house, she has a room for me and Koma and one bed. I had slept in the same bed as Koma that day, just like before.”
“… Fuun.”
“Oh my… That day, Kanakana, I really… I was so looking forward to sleeping with Koma, I couldn’t wait.”
After all, when Koma was in a hospital, it was not possible for the two of us to sleep in a hospital bed together. So I got to sleep with Koma for the first time in roughly a month… What’s more, the place where we sleep is Aunty’s house, quiet and comfortable, where we won’t be woken up in the middle of the night by the hysterical voices of our father or mother…
In other words, for the first time in a long time, I can enjoy some lovely snuggle time alone with my angel Koma, without anyone disturbing me. If that isn’t something to look forward to, what is?
“I’ve been a siscon since then, and I was so endlessly excited, I thought I was going to blow with excitement. While in primary school, I said, ‘Sleeping with Koma, this is really heaven! Whooooooooooo! Koma’s sweet smell is so nice! Koma’s skin is so soft!’ and so on. I was really energetic.”
“… You… you have been a pervert since long ago, Mako.”
“Haha…. Don’t flatter me, Kanakana… Un, that’s right. Until we both fell asleep… I was thinking such idiotic things… I was thinking.”
“… Hm? You were thinking?”
“…. Un. But, you see. From that day onwards, I slept with Koma… In a certain way, it turned into hell…”
◇ ◇ ◇
Sleeping with my beloved sister for the first time in a long time, who, although she still had the problem of taste disorder, was still alive and well. The smell of Koma, the feel of Koma, the warmth of Koma right next to you—- I have a real feeling that Koma is alive and well.
Six years ago, I was sleeping better than ever, surrounded by that sense of security…
“—-chan… Nee-chan… Onee…chan…”
“…. Munyu…?”
Roughly an hour or so after going to bed. I was struck by such a feeling, as if someone was calling me in my ear.
I thought my mother and father were shouting at each other in the middle of the night again, so while sighing I rubbed my eyes and got up to see what’s going on…
“… Oh? This is our Auntie’s home…?”
When I managed to wake up my sleepy head and think about it carefully, I found that the house I am sleeping in now is my Auntie Meiko’s house, where I will be staying from today.
There’s no way there’s our father or mother here, so much less those two arguing with each other (And if they had tried to come here, Auntie Meiko would have had them both in a fix.)
Then, who called me? No, in the first place there shouldn’t be anyone calling me at this time of night… Was I having some weird dreams? While confused I casually looked next to me.
“—Onee… chan, Onee-chan, Onee-chan,… help me… please help me…”
“…. Ko, ma….? !? Koma!?”
… Koma was calling me. She wanted me to help her. While sweating… Over and over again, calling out ‘Onee-chan, Onee-chan’ multiple times, while muttering painfully, ‘Save me’.
Don’t tell me she has a fever again!? In fact, I think she may be suffering from some serious illness!? The fear of ‘almost losing my dear sister’ that I had experienced a month ago struck me again…. I panicked and picked up the shaking Koma and tried desperately to call out to her.
“Koma, Koma!? What’s wrong!? Are you okay!? Does it hurt!? Want to go to the hospital!? Do you listen to Onee-chan!? Koma… Koma!?”
“…..*Snooze*…”
“…. Huh? Koma…?”
What happened? As soon as I picked her up and called her name, she changed from her disturbing expression and breathed lovely while sleeping, looking relieved.
… Her breathing and pulse are not at all harsh, and she’s not pale… No matter how I see her, she’s looking good. If that’s the case, then what Koma just showed… Why was she suffering unusually, as if she was reliving that day a month ago…?
Although I had some doubts, at the time I forced myself to accept that ‘Koma must have been watching a scary dream’ and fell asleep again with Koma in my arms.
◇ ◇ ◇
“—-There you have it.”
“….”
“From that day onwards, every night and every night after Koma went to sleep… After about an hour or so, Kanakana. Koma has a very painful nightmare. ‘Onee-chan, save me…’, ‘Onee-chan, where are you…’ she’s been saying.”
I’m revealing old stories I’ve never told anyone to Kanakana, not even to Koma. Kanakana, who listened to me, conveyed a clear feeling of ‘I don’t know what to really say to here…’.
“… Koma, who was having nightmares… If I call out to her, or if I give her another hug or hold her hand, she manages to calm down and fall asleep. When she’s feeling well, she’ll settle down after just one night… I can still clearly remember her being sick, and also having nightmares every hour on days when it was raining or there was bad thunder.”
“… Don’t tell me, you… You got up every time it happened and calmed Koma down…?”
“Eh? Obviously, I was doing that. It’s the right thing to do because I’m her older sister, and as the party who gave Koma a hard time.”
“Obviously, you say…”
… Now that I think about it, the fact that she had more nightmares on rainy days and thunderstorms probably means that Koma’s trauma was triggered.
… Aah, damn it. If only I’d got the right psychotherapy for Koma back then… Maybe Koma’s taste disorder could have been alleviated at an early stage.
“The nights… Were like that until I went to secondary school and me and Koma were put in separate rooms—- So it probably lasted every day for about four years.”
“4 years…!? Please hold a moment, Mako… You were right there listening to Koma’s nightmares every night for four years…!? And then… You say that you tucked Koma in every night for four years…!?”
“Un, that’s right… Even though she started calling me ‘Onee-chan’ to ‘Onee-sama’ in the upper grades of primary school, Koma still calls me ‘Onee-chan, Onee-chan’ at night only, when she’s in pain…”
“….”
Koma looks shocked. Without caring about Kanakana, I continue the conversation without stopping.
“… In terms of the content of Koma’s incoherent ramblings,…… maybe for four years,…… or maybe even right now,…… Koma has been dreaming the same dream for a long time…. In pain, bitter, lonely and scared… One more step and she would have been dead… It’s the most painful thing to Koma… It’s the dream that day six years ago, when she was on the verge of life and death…”
“….”
“It’s totally like a nightmare… Being bound by memories she doesn’t want to remember, and being tormented in her dreams for more than four years… Koma’s pain… I can’t even imagine what it is like…”
Why should Koma that has done nothing wrong have to have dreams like that? How did she end up dreaming that dream?
… Who the hell is to blame? That is obvious.
“Don’t you think so? You get it, right, Kanakana?”
“…. What?”
“The one at fault— It’s me, Tachibana Mako.”
“….. huh?”
Everything, it’s my fault…
“…. Koma called for help— Not from our father or mother. Koma… Only to me, she was forever asking for help, ‘Onee-chan, help me… save me’.”
I was the only one in that house who was on Koma’s side… Only I could help Koma, and Koma believed in me and desperately needed help from me alone…
And yet… And yet I failed to respond to the SOS of Koma at a crucial point…
“… When she has a nightmare and I see Koma calling out to me for help in her dream, I also synchronize with Koma like… I remember that day six years ago. I get flashbacks in my head of what Koma looked like that day.”
“….”
Everytime Koma has nightmares, I’m reminded about back then. The moment I rushed to our room, I saw in my eyes the image of Koma, who had collapsed in the middle of the room and was trembling… She looked pale… She had such a high fever that I thought she might burn me… If I was any slower, she would’ve been at no return… The dazed and weak Koma asking for help from me… I recall it vividly, whether I like it or not.
“Every time, I’m keenly aware of it. —- ‘Aah, It’s all my fault that my little sister was put through all this.’, ‘Why am I such a hopeless sister?’…”
If only I had taken care of Koma that day when she had a fever, even if I had to force myself to do so—
If only I had told my father and mother to take Koma to the hospital properly—
If only I had managed to stop my father and mother from falling out in the first place—
I held the trembling Koma in my arms and night after night after night, I wanted to cry very much. I was so angry at my own incompetence. I was almost crushed by regret. I understood how hopeless I am.
“I am also the cause of Koma’s taste disorder. I also created the ridiculous situation where Koma and I were forced to kiss each other on the mouth… It’s my fault for making her dependent on that abnormal behavior… That’s right… Everything, all of it, is my fault because I’m hopeless…!”
I spin words to Kanakana as if I vomit them out.
“… I’m sorry, Kanakana… I’m sorry you had to go along with this worthless story. But… Let me say just this. I… I’m a lousy human being who can’t protect her little sister, and instead of protecting her, I’ve driven her into a corner… I’m that kind of person, so I can’t go out with someone else and leave my sister… I don’t deserve to have someone like me—-”
“… Mako, you…”
“I have not even a single thing worth for having a nice person like Kanakana like me. That’s why… I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I… I can’t go out with Kanakana…”
I bow my head and apologise while saying that.
“… Haa….”
Kanakana let out the biggest sigh of the day due to me…
Author’s notes: Mako’s traumatic story, hidden even to Koma. Certainly you might think, ‘It’s not much of a trauma, after being pulled as a flag for so long. It’s just a letdown.’… It was a hellish four years for Mako.
After all, she’s had to listen to her beloved sister’s incoherent ramblings at her bedside night after night, without fail, for four years… Mako, who owed more than just her life, was being driven mentally and physically to the brink. She was always a child with low self-esteem, but after four years of such hell, by the time she reached junior high school, Mako was a prominent (?) servile human being.
Tintan 